Ophidian Pathways

(Not intended for younger readers)

Locate targets? Check. Hobo disguise? Gross, but check. Note to self, get new disguise plans, I miss showers. It’s time for the Parrot.

The Dead Parrot bar is dirty, scary, and filled with smoke; just like the patrons. The pool table is missing a few balls, again like some of the people here. Metaphorically speaking of course, I’m not a gay prostitute. I take a deep breath and inhale smoke. It reminds me of home.

“A shot of Captain and a strawberry,” because trying new things is fun. The bartender scrunches up his face in a vain attempt to understand why I’d order that.

Acting crazy is a nice addition to the hobo look and it’s one of the few reasons I use this disguise. Craziness lets you try new things and people leave you alone to think.

Thinking is an important part of this job. I’m a professional hooligan, because I break things for a living. Noses, mailboxes, arms, whatever. I’m basically a non-lethal hitman for people on a budget.

Todays special is two thugs playing pool. They’ve been mugging college kids in the area, but they keep getting away from the police. The students paid me to make their lives hell.

These two also evade the fashion police as well. Each one has a red bandana covering their bald heads, which never really caught on. I’d say there were wearing basketball shirts, but ‘dresses’ would be more accurate since the ‘shirts’ were waaay too big.

“Here’s your drink Hank.” I looked down at my brown-in-places mechanic’s outfit, which had a name tag. Huh, I forgot I was Hank today. I down the rum and eat the strawberry. Fun and feminine.

“Thanks,” and I give him a few crinkled bills which fit the character.

“Say, what is ‘Hank’ short for?” Acting crazy isn’t foolproof, it’s a slow night and it makes me appear interesting.

“Handkerchief,” the bartender squints.

“You’re not serious.”

“I’m never serious.” I leave to the pool table and grab a cue by the skinny end. “Mind if I play? I love whack-a-mole!” Eh, I would have thought of something better if the bartender hadn’t interrupted me.

I swing the cue into white ‘Kobe’s’ face. White ‘Shaq’ pulls a knife and steps toward me. A quick swing at ‘Shaq’s’ head stuns him and breaks my stick.

I take out two large red double dildos from my pockets and begin beating them senseless. I break their noses and knock them unconscious. It’s times like this that I wish my dick was this big.

No one intervenes because everyone is too shocked from my seeing my penises.

* * * * *

“Tonight’s big story: two men were apparently beaten with sex toys inside of the Dead Parrot.”

Two college kids, who had recently had their phones stolen, are watching the news. They look at each other.

“Hey, you know how that kid thinks it’s funny to crap in the hallway…”

The vigilante was pointing his revolver at the murderer who lay beaten and broken on the ground in front of him.

A bounty hunter showed up, wanting the bounty on the murderer.

“I’m going to kill him. Sorry about your money, but he doesn’t deserve to live.”

“Who are to decide who lives and who dies?”

“Are you religious?”

“Christian”

“Your God kills millions of innocent people on a regular basis. Disease and natural disasters slaughter innocents. Your God lets thousands of murderers and rapists run free. I only kill those who deserve it. I have better judgement than your almighty power has on Earth.”

“Be careful killing monsters, lest you become one.”

“I’m already a monster. The least I can do is lower the monster population.”

BANG!

They take you backward or forward, somewhere different in life.

What happens if you follow the ophidian pathways?

“Fuck these woods. I’m moving to Earth where everything is safe now that Voldemort is dead.”

“Yeah, Voldemort was a problem, but even Muggles can be dangerous. Earth can’t just count on James Bond to save everyone.”

“Bond is real?”

“Of course he’s real. Do you really think Ian Flemming just made all that up?”

“Fair enough, it jsut doesn’t make sense how Earth people don’t know this stuff is real.”

“They always assume it’s fake. If you write a story and label it ‘fiction’, no one thinks its real. Plus the MIB wipe memories if anything gets out of hand.”

“Oh. Yeah, then I guess with that and wizards to cover up everything they can get away with anything.”

“Yeah, until they realize they are all in the matrix and that everything is futile.”

“Really?”

“I’m kidding, the matrix isn’t real. You can’t believe everything.”

“Are Batman and those heroes real?”

“Oh yes, the trick is getting to the other universes. DC has all sorts of portals tucked away. It’s the secret to their consistently great stories.”

“Do you think this is a story somewhere?”

“It better be. I killed a witch and a werewolf out here. I’d be pissed if no one knew.”

(Referencing the real/original The Little Mermaid by Hans Christian Anderson) It’s late and Hans is up late writing and editing the story. He looks up to see the Little Mermaid sitting in his office.

“What are you writing about?”

“You actually”

“Oh! How does it start?”

“Well you have a beautiful singing voice and live in a wonderfully beautiful underwater kingdom.”

“Yay! Do I sing alot?”

“Em, not exactly. Your tongue gets cut off and you lose your voice.”

“What!? Well, at least I still have my kingdom.”

“Yeah, about that, you lose that too. You get legs.”

“I lose my kingdom!? Well, at least I’ll be able to dance and walk.”

“You can, but it’s a terribly painful experience, knives into your legs.”

“You bastard!”

“Look, the world is cruel and kids need to learn this early.”

“Kids!? You are reading this to kids!”

“Of course, it’s a fairy tale.”

“Whew, so there’s a happy ending.”

“Not exactly. Your prince leaves you for another woman.”

“After all I’ve been through? I’ll kill him. I’ll cut out his heart.”

“That’s good, because your grandmothers and sisters cut off all their hair so you can kill the prince and go back to your kingdom.”

“Heh, then their sacrifice won’t be in vain.”

“Actually, you decide to let him live. You die instead of him.”

“Why on Earth would I not kill the two timing prick after I’ve suffered on his account?”

“Love. You love him.”

“This is the most ridiculous story I have ever heard. Everything is horrible and sad. Why are you doing this?”

“Because I spent all of my money to move here so I could be with the woman I love. I have nothing now. She’s so beautiful that I get tongue tied whenever I see her. Now she’s leaving me for another man. My parents bought me tickets to go home back to them. But I can’t go back to them. I can’t go anywhere.”

Wrote this as part of my larger story. After writing it I realized that I prefer using this sort of narration, which hadn’t been used for NaNo before. I won’t edit now, I’ll just continue writing in this style because it’s fun and much easier to fit little snippets of entertaining reality connections and future plot related things. I find it entertaining so I’ll post it for you.

The Real Seven Dwarves

            Snow White’s seven dwarves are evil little men. You can argue into you’re blue in the face about how they protected her and gave her a place to stay. You’re wrong. You can reference the Grimm brothers or the Disney version, doesn’t matter. You are looking at versions that have undergone generations of the “telephone game”.

            Snow White was married to a charming young man. Snow White’s mom was happy to have such wonderful heirs. She knew it wouldn’t be too much longer until she followed her husband to heaven.

            I think that Snow White’s folly was her sense of adventure combined with no interest in safety. Everyone told her about how dangerous the woods are, but all she heard was “blah blah woods blah blah blah.” She figured how could such a place be bad if it was filled with such peaceful creatures as deer and rabbits? Which is a fair point, but it completely ignores bears, wolves, and dwarves.

            One day she decided to venture forth into the forest without a guard and without telling anyone. Everything was fine and dandy for a few hours until she came across a little house. Everything was smaller in this house (because it belonged to dwarves). Chairs, tables, windows, doors, and even the fireplace were tiny. Thinking the whole thing was adorable she ducked and went in. Look, women, I know the whole curiosity thing keeps coming up again and again, but seriously. It keeps happening. Stop supporting the stereotypes, please; you just make yourselves look worse sometimes.

            Anyways the dwarves came home to find a princess in their house. Normally they would have carved her up and eaten her right away, but dwarves are also greedy and they knew the princess had money at home so they sent a note to the queen demanding money in exchange for Snow White.

            It’s well known that Queens don’t like taking orders. No one does, but Queens are used to being in control all the time so the thought of being below someone is preposterous. Pissed off, the queen began assembling the soldiers to scour the woods for the princess.

            Ironically, dwarves don’t like to “lay low”. After living in the woods for generations they had developed all sorts of traps and guerilla techniques. The dwarves enjoyed killing soldiers. One of their favorite tricks was to cover up pits where they had captured wolves or bears and watch the soldiers fall right into them. It was their favorite because they would take bets on who would survive the longest.

Angry the dwarf didn’t like that game much, he preferred to swing on a rope through groups of soldiers with a poisoned axe. He also continued to jump on and stab soldiers even after they were clearly dead.

Sneaky liked dressing in all black and grew his beard out to cover everything but his eyes. Then he would use his superior night vision to kill any of the soldiers who decided to camp in the forest.

Pyro was a fire hazard. He just enjoyed fire and explosions too much. His beard and hair were a blonde and red mix. No one is sure how that happened, but it fits so no one questions it much. He liked dousing soldiers in oil from above and then lighting them on fire.

Crazy dwarf really…well…no one really knows what his preferences are. He just killed people. Didn’t talk much, mumbled a lot and shouted, but never talked. He’s been known to do everything from eye gouging to rocks to urinating on dead bodies.

Hungry just eats everything. Sometimes he wouldn’t even wait for the soldiers to die. He didn’t even spit out the bones either; his stomach could handle just about everything. Except milk.

Horny…I’ll just leave it at that. I’ll move on before your imaginations take you to dark places.

 Sadistic dwarf was probably the scariest. The dwarves always left him a few live specimens. Yeah, definitely the scariest.

So yeah, dwarves killed these soldiers on a regular basis. The Queen tried to cover up the kidnapping from the Prince because she didn’t want him to venture off into the woods in some brave charge only to get killed later. Breathe. I’m sorry, I get carried away sometimes.

Once the Prince learned that his beloved was kidnapped he leapt into action. He literally “leapt”, I don’t know why he did it, and I’m just a storyteller. The Prince decided to think about the situation a little bit first so he jumped towards his magic mirror. So he asked the mirror:

“Where is the fairest one of all?”

“She’s upstairs. You are one sick bastard, your mother-in-law?! Ugh, you should be ashamed.”

“Not her I meant Snow White!”

“Really? Snowy’s mom has got it going on. Not a fan of the whole ‘pale’ thing.”

“Where is the fairest one of all’s daughter?”

“Much better. The dwarves tied her to a tree outside their house. It’s actually a straight shot into the woods. The paths go all over the place, the trick is to ignore them and walk in a straight line. The crooked path thing is something the government set up. The longer it takes you get somewhere the more you have to load up on food, gas, and hotels.”

“What on Earth are you talking about?”

“Oh right. No one has figured out that this is place is Fairy, and Earth is separate. Anyways, just go straight through the woods. You can’t miss it.”

            “Thanks?”

            The Prince was a bit confused about the whole Earth vs. Fairy thing, but that’s what you get with an all-seeing enchanted Mirror. Later the Prince ends up giving it to the Beast, childhood friend and all. At that moment he decide to focus on what was important; finding Snow White.

            Eventually he came up with a plan. He knew that the dwarves could beat him in a fight, so he’d have to trick them. Everyone knows, I mean, everyone here knows that dwarves love apples. That’s why the forest was so scary, the dwarves had eaten all the apples in the area and trees were unable to grow in the forest. Apple trees make things pleasant and happy. Ever wonder why apples, apple pies, and apple-flavored candy were so good? It’s because apple trees are a magical happy plant.

            So, the Prince realized he could poison some apples and the dwarves would eat them without question. So he went to his mother who had a lovely garden out back and he gathered some apples and some hemlock. Then he poked the apples repeatedly and put ground up hemlock into the holes. In order to make sure that the hemlock stayed inside the apples the Prince had the cooks caramelize the apples, they even put hemlock into the milk caramel to ensure that the dwarves got as much of the poison as possible. The choice of milk caramel as opposed to regular caramel was mostly to screw up Hungry’s stomach.

            Once the batch of deathly lactose apples was complete he scurried off into the woods. He has short legs, he was in a hurry, and he runs quickly so “scurried” was the correct choice of words. To be honest this was a stupid move, the Prince had thought everything out before hand but once he had the apples he was committed to the deed.

            After about half an hour of straight running, (keep in mind how I mean that literally) he began to slow down, because naturally a batch of apples and all that running is tiring. He actually made it to the dwarves house, the paths were very crooked. Snow White was tied to a tree out front. He ran over and embraced her.

            “Well, look at that. If it isn’t Prince Charming himself.”

            “Actually I’m Charles, but I do appreciate the nick-“

            “Silence!” shouted Angry.

            “Dinnertime!” shouted Hungry.

            “Heheheh…he even brought an after dinner snack,” Sneaky gestured toward the caramel apples, which were a rare delicacy for the dwarves.

            “Who says we have to wait to eat desert. We don’t play by the rules.” With that final word by Angry the dwarves charged the basket and began eating the treats from the basket.

            The dwarves were able to finish eating the apples before the hemlock kicked in. Once it did they were mostly dead. Temporarily dead, in order to kill a dwarf you have to use fire or a bronze stabbing device. Gold technically works, but it is much too soft in its pure form. While the dwarves were unconscious the Prince freed Snow White.

            They ran straight home (again, they literally went straight home). They got home safe and lived happily ever after.

Wrote about a woman crushing her bones and becoming a sheet-thin tapeworm to sneak inside a locked window and poison some guy’s wife. LOLZ.

3,361 words. 

How many words did you guys get?

A measly 1678 here, but I’m just getting into it. 

Here we go.